


The Contest

by pf_lz



Category: Pitch Perfect (Movies)
Genre: F/F, Fun, Humor, Seinfeld - Freeform, a show about nothing, open relationship?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-17
Updated: 2018-08-17
Packaged: 2019-06-28 19:41:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15713796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pf_lz/pseuds/pf_lz
Summary: Beca rolls her eyes. “I’m never doing that again. Ever.”Aubrey can’t but help snort all unladylike. “Ever? Like, in your mom’s house or all together?”“Cold turkey,” Beca states. “Nothing is entering my pants.”The Seinfeld/Pitch Perfect crossover that everyone begged me for (if everyone means no one).Based on season 4, episode 11, The Contest.





	The Contest

**Author's Note:**

> most dialogue is taken directly from the episode, so it's not mine - it belongs to the comedic genius of larry david and jerry seinfeld.
> 
> that said, i have changed some things and i hope y'all enjoy this! it's super fun to write

Aubrey stirs the coffee in her mug, watching as the foam swirls around. She looks up to Chloe sitting across from her, an amused grin tugging at her lips. “Let me ask you a question.”

Chloe makes eye contact with her, says, “Mhmm.”

“You’re a hostage, captured by terrorists –” Aubrey starts off only to be interrupted by Chloe.

“Who, me?” Chloe smiles around the mouthful of sandwich in her mouth, fingers tapping along the edge of the table as she contemplates where this line of questioning is going to go.

“You, anybody – whatever,” Aubrey says, finger pointing from Chloe and then around the room. “You’re in the little room, you’re chained to the floor, you’re there for a long time… do you think they would ever consider doing the laundry?” It’s a weird scenario, for sure, but Aubrey is a little weird. All of her friends are a little weird, if she’s being honest, and her cleanliness is forcing this question.

Chloe reaches her hand across the table and gives a light pat on Aubrey’s hand before leaning back. “They have to, it’s in the Geneva Convention.”

Before Aubrey can respond, Stacie is talking and imitating what she thinks is a Turkish accent for a Turkish terrorist. “You! Take off your socks, your pants, your underwear,” Stacie throws in a wink to Chloe, “we’re doing the wash. C’mon! Take it off, take it off!”

Aubrey and Chloe both burst into laughter.

Stacie grins at the two of them. “No, really,” she teases, voice back to normal, “lets go back the apartment. I wanna see you two strip.” A twinkle enters her eye and she adds, “I’ll even strip – just so you can see marvel at these beauties.” She cups a breast in each hand as she says this, hefting them up gently and flicking her eyes from the mounds in her hands to the green and blue eyes watching her.

It makes them both laugh a bit harder and the threesome is all smiles and giggles – until the door to the restaurant opens.

Beca plops down heavily in the booth seat, Chloe next to her, Stacie across and Aubrey next to Stacie.

“You look particularly depressed Becs,” Stacie says as the corner of her mouth frowns. Aubrey stares at Beca, because Stacie’s not wrong. Beca looks broody on the best of days, but today is something else.

“What’s the matter?” Aubrey prods.

“My mother caught me,” Beca says flatly, head shaking, and Aubrey’s eyebrows knit together.

“Caught you? Doing what?” Aubrey says, and if Beca was closer to her, she’d reach out a hand and comfort her. As it is, Chloe already has Beca’s hand and is cuddling up against it.

Beca doesn’t acknowledge Chloe’s touch and instead stares at the wall behind Aubrey and Stacie. “I was alone…” she trails off and Aubrey suddenly gets it.

Chloe drops Beca’s hand and turns a bit in her seat to face the brunette more fully. “You mean?” she exclaims, her face an expression of surprise and Aubrey thinks that Chloe looks really pretty like that.

Beca, in turn, nods. “Uh-huh,” she confirms.

Aubrey lets out a snort and Stacie has trouble getting her words out as she laughs: “She caught you? Masturbating?”

The word makes the girls – minus Beca – burst into laughter and they’re all laughing as they watch Beca’s unamused expression. Aubrey’s the first to recover, because, well, she’s Aubrey and she likes to be as poised as possible, though her friends seem to always make that impossible for her. “Where?”

Aubrey stares into Beca’s eyes and she can see that Beca is trying to figure out how to tell the story without embarrassing herself too much. “I stopped by the house to drop the car off, and I was thirsty so I went inside for a few minutes to get a drink and…”

“And?” Stacie lets out, hanging onto Beca’s every word. Chloe and Aubrey look at each other and have to stop themselves from interrupting with their laughter.

“Nobody was there – they’re supposed to be working… My mother had a Glamour magazine, I started leafing through it…”

“Glamour?” Aubrey interjects, because seriously. She rolls her eyes; of course Beca would rub one off to a _Glamour_ magazine. Chloe and Stacie titter lightly into their hands.

A beat, then, “So, one thing led to another…” Beca trails off, blushing and ashamed.

“So, what did she do?” Aubrey asks. This story is truly the highlight of her day.

“First she screams, ‘Beca, what are you doing?! My God!’ And it looked like she was gonna faint – she started clutching the wall, trying to hang onto it.” Beca pauses and all three girls stare at her. “I didn’t know what to do! Stop her from falling or zip up?”

“Well?”

“I zipped up! Sue me! I didn’t want her to see me naked and all…”

“Wet?” Stacie provides and Chloe giggles loudly, placing a kiss to Beca’s cheek.

“Aww, my little Beca, all horny and no one to take care of her. You should have waited and then I could have ravaged you tonight,” Chloe flirts. Aubrey smiles at the two.

“So, she fell?” Stacie interjects, eyes wide and full of mirth. Aubrey turns and places a kiss to Stacie’s cheek because she just looks so beautiful and because, well, she can.

Beca turns away from Chloe, a defensive posture set in her shoulders. “I couldn’t run over there with my pants around my ankles, okay! I had to!” Aubrey gives Beca a questioning look and Beca interprets it correctly which is something the two have always been good at – non-verbal communication, that is. “She’s fine, she’s alright, now,” Beca says placatingly. “She was yelling, ‘My back! My back!’ when she fell, so I scooped her up and ran her to the hospital. She’ll be fine but she’s stuck in the hospital bed in traction.”

Stacie grins at her. “Okay, okay, I’m sorry.” Stacie may be apologizing, but she definitely doesn’t mean it and Aubrey can’t blame her. It’s hilarious.

“It’s not funny, Stace.”

Trying to act contrite, Stacie agrees. “I know, I’m sorry. Seriously.”

“Her back went out,” Beca continues. “She’s gotta be there for a couple days. She was a broken CD player on her way there – just kept saying, ‘Why, Beca, why?’ and I just told her, ‘Because it’s there!’ God it was so embarrassing. She wouldn’t let me touch her until I washed my hands.”

Chloe turns her face towards her and places a soft kiss on Beca’s lips and as upset as the brunette is, she can’t help but smile at Chloe’s tenderness. Aubrey understands that, because Chloe is just so soft and sweet – when she’s not being aggressive, that is. Chloe tends to get a little physical when she’s excited, pushing and shoving.

Beca rolls her eyes. “I’m never doing that again. Ever.”

Aubrey can’t but help snort all unladylike. “Ever? Like, in your mom’s house or all together?”

“Cold turkey,” Beca states. “Nothing is entering my pants.”

“Except for me, right?” Stacie flirts and a grin tugs at Beca’s lips. She shakes her head, cheeks a bit warm and God Beca just looks so pretty when she’s blushing, Aubrey thinks.

“No chance in hell, Beca. No way.” Aubrey feels the need to push Beca’s buttons here – and it’s true. “You won’t last a day.”

“You think you could?” Beca challenges, posture regaining the defensive look it had shed when Chloe kissed her.

“I can hold out longer than you, I know that,” Aubrey retaliates.

“Let’s make this interesting. A bet?”

“How much?”

“A hundred dollars.” Beca raises her chin.

“You’re on,” Aubrey says – which really, this shouldn’t be _that_ hard. They all have sex on the regular, and Aubrey can control herself.

“Wait a second, wait a second. Count me in on this!” comes from Stacie and Aubrey sighs fondly.

Of course Stacie would join this – and she’s going to lose, she knows that. Aubrey can’t count the amount of times she’s walked in on Stacie doing _it_ and it’s usually in her bed. “You? You’ll be out before we get the check!” Aubrey laughs and slaps her hand lightly on the table, right next to her plate.

“I want in, too,” Chloe says.

“Oh no, no, no,” both Aubrey and Beca exasperate together.

“And why not?”

“Because you don’t – you…” Aubrey trails off, struggling to come up with a good reason other than the fact that Chloe hardly ever does it. It just wouldn’t be fair.

“Fine,” Beca grumbles, “but I want odds. Two to one – you give us two hundred.”

“One-fifty!”

Beca nods begrudgingly. “Okay, one-fifty. Now, how are we monitoring this thing?”

“We all know each other pretty well,” Stacie begins, a smirk on her lips and Aubrey can’t help but blush. They know each other _really_ well. “Honors system?”

They all nod and place their pinkies on the table, hooking them together.

“Deal.”

 

 

They’re in Aubrey’s apartment – her and Beca, that is – Aubrey on the sofa eating a bowl of cereal (grape nuts, because Aubrey is nothing if not healthy and sugar for breakfast is not healthy), Beca on the phone. Aubrey doesn’t understand why everyone feels the need to coalesce at her apartment, but she’s grown used to it at this point.

“No, ma, I’m not gonna see a psychiatrist. N- I don’t care if you pay for it!” Beca cries. “No! Discussion over.” There’s a pause and Aubrey can tell that Beca’s mom is talking and lecturing. She looks back and Beca rolls her eyes at her mom when they make eye contact. “Yeah, alright, I’ll see you later. Yes, of course, I’m gonna come by. Alright,” she finishes, slamming the phone back in its cradle.

“My mother,” Beca almost shouts, voice angry and taunt, “wants me to see a psychiatrist now. Why?!” She collapses onto the couch next to Aubrey and Aubrey stares at her, waiting.

“Yeah?” she says when it’s apparent that Beca isn’t going to continue.

“Whatever.” Beca flails her hands in the air, exasperated and defensive.

After a second, the intercom to the apartment buzzes and Aubrey sighs as she gets up to answer it. She really wishes she just had remote or something to do this. “How is she?” she asks to Beca.

Beca shrugs half-heartedly. “She’ll be fine – wants me to see her at the hospital tonight.”

Her expression makes Aubrey laugh as she answers the buzzer. “Yeah?”

A voice comes through – unmistakably Chloe Beale – staticky and distorted: “It’s me, Bree.” Aubrey nods and when she realizes that Chloe can’t see her, tells her to come up and unlocks the door.

“Hey, what are you doing tonight?” Beca asks, turning on the couch to face Aubrey and the door.

Aubrey faces Beca and leans against the fridge, relaxing against the cool front of the appliance. “Dating Emily,” she deadpans, though a slight smile plays on her lips.

“Just you? Or you and Stacie?” Aubrey holds up one finger and wiggles it. “Ah. Any progress?”

Aubrey smirks, thinking. “I’ve got my troops amassed along the border – I’m just waiting for someone to give me the go-ahead.” Aubrey shakes her hips and it makes Beca laugh.

The door opens with a start and Aubrey holds herself from jumping, but only because she knows that only Stacie would enter like that. No one else is that blend of kooky and crazy and energy, not even Chloe. “Hey, look at this,” she commands, striding towards the window. “There’s a naked woman across the street.”

Aubrey and Beca rush to the window and all three of them are pushing for the space to see. “Where?”

“Second from the top floor,” Stacie points and their eyes follow carefully. “See the window on the left?”

“Wow!” Beca says in awe and Aubrey can’t help but agree but her sensibilities get the better of her.

“Who walks around like that? How does someone have that much confidence?” She looks right at Stacie and the girl raises her eyebrows suggestively. “Absolutely not – I’ll never get anything done if you’re naked all the time.”

“But Breee,” she whines and it’s really cute. Aubrey pats her on the butt and returns her eyes to the blonde woman outside her window.

“Maybe she’s a nudist,” Beca theorizes, hopeful. “You know, those nudist colony people…” Beca’s nothing if not interested in naked women. That’s why she works so well with Chloe.

Stacie gulps, says, “Yeah,” pauses, “yeah…” She stands up and walks dazedly to the door, shutting it and Aubrey can hear Stacie’s door across the hall shut.

Aubrey mostly ignores it because Stacie is always running off to do stuff – she’s a little ditzy, if Aubrey’s being honest. Aubrey still loves her all the same, but she’s not going to lie to herself about her girlfriend. “Hey, let me ask you a question,” Aubrey begins, grabbing Beca’s hand to focus her attention on her words. She pretends to be serious, expression drawn and solemn. “Do you think they eat naked in the dining room in these nudist colonies?”

Beca turns back to the window. “Probably all naked. God, can you imagine Chloe naked all of the time?” she imagines wistfully and Aubrey smacks her arm lightly. “Bree, I know you’re imagining it too. She’s a babe.”

Aubrey blushes because, true. Chloe is an absolute babe. She clears her cheeks and grins. “What about the chambermaids? Are they naked, too?”

“I hope so. The chambermaids, the gardeners, the bellhops… all of them, nude.” Aubrey makes a noise of astonishment. She’s not sure if she would want people’s junk rubbing against her luggage. “It’s just one big nude-a-rama.”

At this, the door opens again and Aubrey looks over to see Chloe enter. “Hey,” she greets and both her and Beca respond in kind before turning back to the window.

Chloe smiles at them, teeth showing brilliantly. “Well, where’s my money? Who caved?”

Over their shoulders, her and Beca both intone, “Not me,” simultaneously.

“What’re you two looking at?”

Aubrey can’t help the redness on her cheeks as she says, “There’s a naked woman across the street.”

Chloe giggles almost evilly. “This is going to be the easiest money I’ve ever made in my life.” She walks to the table but still hasn’t looked out the window. Aubrey can’t understand how she’s holding herself back. Aubrey can hear her talking still but she can’t focus so she just grunts when there’s a pause.

Eventually, Chloe walks up to the window and looks out. “Wow. You were right – she’s a hottie.” Chloe wraps an arm around Beca’s wait. “Think we could convince her to join?”

The expression on Beca’s face makes Aubrey laugh because Beca looks like she died and was reborn. “Do- do you think we could?” Chloe just gives her a kiss in response and they all look back out of the window.

The staring contest is broken when the door opens and Stacie enters the room, slams down a wad of bills on the counter forcefully. “I’m out!” she declares loudly.

“What?!” Chloe belts out after a moment and Aubrey’s mouth is open in shock. But she closes it rather quickly when she remembers there’s a nude woman across the street flaunting it all. Flaunting it all rather confidently and spectacularly, if Aubrey does say so herself. It’s understandable, really.

“Yeah, I’m out – I’m out of the contest,” she confirms, out of breath.

Aubrey can’t help the pout that breaks out on her lips. “You couldn’t have asked me?”

“You’re out?” Beca exclaims and Stacie pauses.

“What?” she says as she takes a look at their expressions – they’re all in shock; her, Chloe and Beca.

“That was fast!” Chloe grabs a hand of Stacie’s and squeezes it as she talks. “Seriously, though, why not ask Aubrey?”

Aubrey frowns. “That was implied, Chloe – no sex because that’s a loophole and there will be no loopholes in this contest.”

“That is so not fair! Beca and I have a healthy sex life and this is an unnecessary attack on us.”

“Chloe, you act like Stacie and I don’t have a healthy sex life. And she literally just… like five seconds ago,” Aubrey counters. She grabs Stacie’s other hand with both of hers and places a kiss on her fingertips. “This hand?” she questions and Stacie nods. Stacie always uses her right hand, and she’s not surprised.

“Well, it was that woman across the street,” Stacie says. “You know, you better be careful, babe. She’s gonna get you next – if I don’t first.” Stacie winks at her then walks out the door and Aubrey really wouldn’t be surprised if she was going to do it again.

Aubrey exchanges looks with Beca and Chloe, reflecting on what she’s probably about to do. Aubrey groans. “I agree. The rule sucks.”

**Author's Note:**

> seinfeld episode rec is season 1, episode 2, The Stake Out. this is the only episode in which Barney Martin does not appear as Jerry's dad - instead, Phil Bruns does it. the switch occurred because david wanted someone who was a bit stronger of a character (as if they needed more strong characters lol). also, this is the first episode in which George's obession with being an architect comes up, as well as his obsession with the name Art Vandelay.
> 
> this quote comes from this episode: "He's an importer-exporter." just a quality episode through and through.


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